I am sitting here nearly crying because I feel depressed. I feel irritated. I feel annoyed. I feel lazy. I feel fat. I feel stupid. I feel ugly. I want to die somedays. i feel like a failure. Why? i have no idea.
the more i talk to my friends, the more i feel like it's just the holidays. i look around at families being together and thats all i ever wanted. the one thing i set out to do i failed and not only did i do it to myself, but also to my children. why did i get married and have 3 kids with someone i didn't really love. i guess thats not fair to say...i loved him to the best of my capacity but i was too young and inexperienced to know what true love felt like. as a 35 year old woman i can say i know what true love feels like and that wasn't it.
i am with a man now who i love, respect, look up to, learn from, laugh with and want to be with. i think... he is such a wonderful man. the problem is lately i have been feeling very irritated by him. up until last thursday i was madly in love with him and wanted to marry him. then, i went to dinner and drinks with maria and louis and something snapped. i think i realize i once again come in second to the person i love. the person i love already loves a woman and is devoted to her. the problem is its his mom and how the hell do i say this to him without sounding like a complete jerk. I love my mom-she is my best friend aside from Kyle. But thats just it...I want to move forward with my life and that life is with Kyle. As an adult that is just what you do. Kyle is still stuck back to his childhood and spends every Monday, Thursday and Sunday with his mom. Instead of spending Monday night with my kids and I (and helping me which he knows I need his help) he spends it with his mom. On Thursday nights instead of spending it with me having dinner together and doing whatever-he spends it again with his mom and we watch tv together after 8:30. I hate tv! Sundays its up to his mom whether or not we go to church, we have to go to lunch at the same damn place and go shopping. I have to admit-I enjoy this part. I enjoy going to lunch with his mom and her friends. I enjoy helping Kyle and his mom at the grocery. But, why can't he spend more time with me through the week? Am I asking to much? I don't think so.
I really feel like I need some space. This is aggravating to me and I am taking it out on our relationship. I am going to drive him away if I tell him this now because he is not ready for more. However, if I don't tell him this I am going to ruin our relationship by not communicating to him about what's bothering me. I don't know how to say all of this without offending him or sounding like a jerk. It's all just so odd!!
Thanksgiving takes the cake. He won't come with me to Toledo and instead is going to be with his mom AGAIN! Even though I am going with them to dinner tonight it's like he will never get out of this routine he is in. Am I just spinning my wheels? His brother has been dating the same girl for 10 years for God's sake!! I want a family.
